I joke often about being a candidate for that show on tv about hoarders, but in all honesty, especially after having a few months to clearly look at everything, I realize my business was on the verge of exactly that. I thought I was being a smart businesswoman by purchasing in bulk because I could get a much lower price on things which in turn I could then turn around and pass along the savings to my customers. However, I'm realizing now that that exact mentality is what caused so much of the stress and took so much of the enjoyment out of my work. Often times when we would cut things, we'd cut 20 or so at a time. We only needed maybe 10, but since we'd have excess wood or not sure when we'd get a chance to cut this item again, the thought was, "might as well use it since we are already cutting". Besides, the extra could be ready for next time and I could go ahead and paint and decorate whatever it was and be ready for the next time, ahead of time. Which sounds like a brilliant plan....if only it truly worked like that. In reality, we have "extra" of lots of things sitting in the garage waiting to be painted and decorated because as soon as the original 10 were dealt with, I was already busy hopping to the next "fire" or customer project or whatever other item I had agreed to complete and so those extras were assigned a spot on a shelf in the dusty garage and I'd get to them later, an infamous time that never seems to show up on my calendar.
Then, at any given time, when I would come home (I enter through our garage), I'd be slapped in the face with all of the EXTRAs that I had not dealt with yet. Then, during dinner one evening, any random evening, Tommy and I would talk about the grand plan to get the garage organized and the Extras dealt with so we knew what we truly had out there (because, again in reality, I don't really know what all is out there...just a lot of stuff that I use in my business). And I would get excited about that upcoming weekend when that would happen and then it wouldn't happen because I would get busy jumping through another set of hoops on another project and more stuff would end up piled in on top of the Extras.
The past few days, I have been facing the Onion that is our garage. Each day, I go out there and just stand at the doorway and look and then focus on one little section, section peeling away a box or two or a shelf or two at a time. Then, I set my timer on my phone for 15 minutes, any more than that and I'm overwhelmed and doomed. Armed with my heart monitor ticking away to let me know when I need to slow down, I look and see what it is that is in that little section that I am truly going to keep and immediately make a decision on the rest. I'm not letting it sit there any longer for me to contemplate and guilt myself into keeping or working on something that is not going to move me forward. Because one other thing that I'm realizing is that just because people ask, I don't have to say, "yes" and it's ok. A dear friend reminded me yesterday that it is not my concern how others CHOOSE to accept that response. It is only my duty to myself and to the stability of my household to decide when to employ it. I have a lot of EXTRAs from projects piled up that I should have said, "no" to eons ago.
I also didn't use the word "no" because I didn't know my true identity for so long. I know that sounds weird because yes I knew my name, social security number, birthday and all of that stuff, but because I wrapped WHO I was around WHAT I did for a living, and what I did for a living was please people and customers. I did that because I felt like I had to in order to make an income. Keep all of the plates spinning and people will be happy and happy people equal happy customers.
That is NOT who I am. I am a child of God. And that should be enough. Every day I need to be answering "yes" to whatever it is that HE is asking of me for that day, or using the gifts as an artist that He is begging me to use. Gifts I haven't used in so long because I've been busy pleasing others. Gifts that barely even edge on similar to what I've been creating for so long. And I've been battling with God about this for 2 months now. The usual content of our battles include a conversation similar to this, "But what if they (the customers) don't like what I am creating?" They will. I am preparing you for a new batch. A group of people with open eyes and hearts to hear the story in your art. "I don't know. I have some folks that come back year after year looking for the same stuff. I HAVE to create that so they won't be disappointed." Really? I'm leaving the decision to you. You decide.
It's a daily decision. One that I have put off for too long. Some people may have to be disappointed. It's up to them to CHOOSE how to accept the changes. I, personally, am so excited to travel this new road. It's freeing and exactly what I have wanted to do for so long in my work that I get giddy and giggly thinking about it. It's also intimidating and challenging and scary. But I am learning to hold on to my identity. It's not to say that I won't create the special projects that people ask of me. But I will examine them closely to see if they are in line with what I SHOULD be doing and not just jump on the project because I see income. Income will come. God will provide. He always does. He always has.
Now it's up to me to deal with the Extras and not take any extra Extras on. Our garage overfloweth (and not in a good way).
Beautifully said
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