Just breathe...

Do you ever have those days when everything just seems to zap the life right out of you?  Today has been that kind of day for me.  Actually the past 2 or 3 days have been.  I don't adjust well to change.  I like my schedule and my life to be very stable and settled and just the way I like it.  I don't like conflict, whether it be in scheduling, ideas, lifestyle or anything else.  Both change and conflict drive me absolutely batty.  This is why I have to have boundaries.  But sometimes the things that I need boundaries from is myself. 

For years, and even after Stroke1, I was so busy flying by the seat of my pants trying to appease everybody that I rarely used the word "no" or words like, "that's not my issue" (or applied the sentiment even if I didn't use those exact words).  I would constantly take on any issue that anybody around me was having and try to "fix" it for them so that everybody could live happily ever after.  If a customer didn't like a particular color or way I did something, "no big deal!  I can customize" even if I didn't want to, I did it. Because that would make everybody happy and then we could all just move along.  If a friend or family member was having a complete meltdown because of their failure to plan or their lack of proper expectations for themselves, I'd try to coax them back to believing all was well and that everything would be ok and coach them on how to get there. 

I know that my life now, once I learn to live with all of the changes, will be so much better.  More peaceful.  Less jumpy and panicky and tiring.  But honestly, right now, I just want to float through this next section of rehab and get on with living.  Unfortunately, it's not that easy.  I have to keep meeting with the medical team to keep adjusting physical and mental expectations and just work through building the boundaries.  And all of this change scares the ever living hell out of me because I don't know what the finished product is going to look like. This is not one of my creations that I can sketch out and then create to perfection.  I just have to trust that God is stepping in and controlling it all currently and that every minute of every day He is holding in His hand the precise direction of how things are going.