Monday, August 18, 2014

The Queen wears XL panties....

Boundary School has been going on for a week now and for the most part it's going ok.  Not great, not super...just ok.  I almost think that this part of Rehab is harder than the Physical Therapy part of rehab.  At least with PT I could see improvements each day as I went, whether it was able to move a different way that I previously couldn't or go a little bit further on the treadmill, or whatever and usually once that improvement was achieved, then the next day it only got better and built on itself.  Boundary School, not so much.  One day may be full of great achievements and understanding and living within the limitations and the next day may be full of overstepping the boundaries and not knowing any limitations to the point of exhaustion.  Which is a weird thing, this stroke brain of mine.  It gets exhausted super easy doing what most would think were menial tasks. Doctors say it could take up to a year before it all comes back at full-strength.  Doesn't it realize I've got stuff I need to do?  Ain't nobody got a year to hang out and sit on the bench for a year.  But I'm trying to be patient.

One thing that has been a freeing experience during boundary school is the fact that I'm taking this time to get our house in order. We are decluttering and getting rid of stuff that we do not absolutely love or need.  This is so hard as I argue with myself about "well you could just keep it and use it for XYZ later" and then I have to remind myself that I haven't done XYZ with it to this point, am I ever really going to do it.  For instance, Tommy & I cleaned out a cabinet in the kitchen over the weekend.  It was one of those kitchen cabinets that you don't go into because you are afraid that you really won't be able to get everything back in and you aren't truly sure what all is in there.  What we, among other things,  found was 8 large serving platters.  Not all the same size or shape, but still...we are a family of 2 + 1 furbaby.  Do we really need 8 large serving platters like you'd use for a family of 4+ or at the holidays if you were entertaining?  Absolutely not.  Sadly, I can recall where and when and from whom we received each one.  Fortunately I am able to disassociate the person with the thing and say, "out it goes"....kinda like the queen in Alice in Wonderland said, "off with their heads". 

For the most part, every person that has stopped to visit (and we have had more visitors lately, which I love!!) has been very excited to see the house and see what changes are being made.  A handful are a bit shocked.  One or two mutter negatives like, "we'll see how long this lasts" or say things like, "I can't believe you have kept it this way without dragging your business back into the main areas".  That's their issue.  Not mine.  And each time one of those negatives is said, I have to remind myself, although it is hard not to take it personally when they say those things, that the person saying it has to deal with those expectations and what they do or do not choose to embrace.  They obviously cannot embrace a change and understand that things are changed permanently and this is the "new" way things are going to be, always.  Not for a few weeks.  Not for a month.  ALWAYS.  This has to be the new constant because it is one of the things that anchors peace in my life that currently has a lot of changes swirling around in the other areas.  I have to have a safe-haven from the storm of rehab. 

It is hurtful though when those things are said because it is almost like the person is taunting me and saying, "I don't really believe that you can do it.  Heck, I didn't believe you could get this far."  I really want to tell a few folks that if they have any feedback to give me on any area of my life that I would much prefer them to tell me straight up, how they feel.  I'm a big girl.  I put on my big girl panties this morning (size XL).  I can deal with it and if I can't Dr. S will help me process it, but I refuse to be talked to with sarcasm and the tongue-in-cheek backhanded sarcastic "compliments" anymore.  It's not helpful, healthy, or positive. 
"Peace be within your walls and security within your towers!”   Psalm 122:7

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