Where do I go?

As my strength and stamina are having to be rebuilt slowly and my ability to set reasonable boundaries is having to be established, I am daily reminding myself of who I am and what I am and what I can and cannot do.  Today, especially though, I am feeling a great sense of pressure (which I'm sure is self-inflicted) and guilt still because I get the impression that I am letting down those around me.  I know that it shouldn't matter as long as I am trying my hardest to do what I need to do to get healthy, but people who I have in my corner and who smile and nod and say "of course, I understand things take longer and you are not what you used to be" are expressing disappointment and frustration.  Not through their words, but through their actions and lack of words.   This is something that I have to work through.  Part of me wants to yell, "DEAL WITH IT" at the top of my lungs in certain instances and yet, for some reason I sadly am having trouble cutting the cord to the people pleasing monster. 

Is it my fault that I had a stroke?  Nope.  But, because I did have a stroke, it therefore led to my stores not being stocked like they should/could be....and some customers not being happy and store owners not having their stores look the very best that they can in my area, but ya know what?  Unfortunately, I cannot control how they CHOOSE to react to these situations.  I am disappointed too because I don't like being out of commission.  I don't like things taking me two and three times the normal amount of time to complete.  Ever folded a basket of laundry?  Not a big basket.  Just enough in the basket to constitute underclothes for two people for a week.  Shouldn't take long, right?  It takes me a good half hour or more, at least.  And no, I am not multi-tasking.  I don't even have the television on when I am doing it.  But we have clean undies when I'm done.

I am OWNING that disappoinment and dislike and realizing that it is ok, though.  My prayer today is really asking God WHERE He wants me to be.  I have always allowed my customers to control which stores I am in and the amount of potential revenue to control my decisions on where I set up and where I didn't.  Those are no longer my guiding factors.   As I mentioned yesterday, that will come....IF I am where I am SUPPOSED to be. 

It's a hard question and a scary question because where I am is sort of like a security blanket.  I know the places well, I, for the most part, love the places.  What if God doesn't want me to stay there?  What if He chooses to take my blankie away?  I know He wouldn't do anything that would hurt me, but what if.....What if, what if, what if....I disappoint people when I have the answer?  What if I may not agree with the answer right now?  I'm also begging God to tell me that when he gives me the answers that He gives me the peace and the power to make the appropriate moves that He needs me to make.  In the meantime, it is taking all of my power to not yell "DEAL WITH IT"....and to focus that energy instead on the positive.