It's been a rough week. Just calling a spade a spade. I know some people that even if it had been a rough week that they'd be like, "Oh things are going well, life is beautiful and my farts don't stink." Well, it's been rough and sometimes mine do stink....and sometimes it is rotten egg stink. I'm having a hard time not comparing the "new" me to the "old" me. As in, not comparing, the pre-stroke Susan to define the post-stroke Susan. And likewise, I'm having a hard time not allowing others perceptions of me currently to define the post-stroke Susan.
Pre-Stroke Susan was not a healthy, happy Susan. I was stressed, busy, bouncing a million directions a million miles an hour. It was just not achieving anything worthwhile. I was constantly a "yes ma'am, of course ma'am" person. I was not at peace, at all. I rarely slept. It was a hot mess of ugliness! Post-Stroke Susan is trying to build the life that alleviates the mess, hot or cold. It's hard right now because, yes, I do have clearance to drive, but I get lost because it taxes my brain some days. I do not have scheduled physical therapy or occupational therapy sessions any longer but I still am not as strong or as coordinated as I once was. So on the outside, especially to 95% of the people, I look better, I sound better, because I'm not stuttering or slurring, so I MUST be better. And I am better. Just different. Different than the pre-stroke Susan that I keep catching myself and allowing others to compare me to. I will never be back to that, and that's fair. When I do regain everything: strength, stamina, and focus, it could be up to a year away...this is a marathon, not a sprint but I am setting the boundary to not allow myself to go back to the mess. And That's Fair.
My business is going to change drastically. I'm already starting to see the changes both physically and mentally and the percentage of change makes my heart beat race because I know that it will be a shock AND a lot of work. But it's going to be ok. My heart races because I'm allowing myself to compare Pre-Stroke life to Post-Stroke. Pre-Stroke, I would know that when I reopen my business on October 24th, that I would be totally and completely stocked with inventory for that entire 3 day show and that it'd be magical and wonderful and I'd have beautiful displays that I've been dreaming up and blah, blah, blah...and then I'd take the Monday after the show off and then on Tuesday I'd start turning my stores into their new magical selves that they are going to be. And because I've been comparing pre-stroke self to my new self, I was feeling the tension and the stress ALREADY and we are still over 60 days away. I cannot do that. I refuse to let my business run on tension and stress. If it does not make me happy and I do not feel peace about it, it's not happening here at the DogHouse anymore.
As I was talking to Tommy last night and telling him about some things that have been on my heart and mind the past few days, I admitted that I know that physically, that 4 day weekend of the re-grand opening is going to wipe me out. (I say 4 days because the setup day is a full-day of hard, physical work. Followed by 3 days of sales.) I admitted out loud, and it was tough, that I probably will be totally useless physically for the week following the sale and that my stores may or may not get stocked that week..it may be another week or so after the show. I have to accept that AND I have to set the boundary to NOT let other people's expectations, based on Pre-Stroke me, influence the amount of rest I allow my body when I need it.
When I talked to him about worrying about inventory and if I'd have enough for the show, he said, "ya know what, if we run out of inventory, we'll stand there and give out hugs. We'll make a sign that says, Hug a 2 time Stroke Survivor! and that's what we'll do all day." It makes me laugh to think about doing that, but he always knows how to make me laugh. And it made me realize that just being there is good enough. It has to be good enough. And That's Fair.