The Tin Man has been oiled! The IV infusion went so much smoother than anticipated (the new infusion nurses at Oz's office rock!). I think there was a bit of a misconception based on my last post so I want to clarify. With RA, you may find drugs that help, but you will never, ever be 100% pain free. You will have days of lesser pain, or medications that make it endurable, but RA patients learn to "suck it up sister" and move forward. Otherwise you are gonna end up wallowing in your own little world of "I hurt" everyday and you will be of no use to anybody. I honestly can't remember the last pain free day I've ever had. There are days that maybe my hands are killing me or days that my knees feel like they will crack open at any moment or my feet want to scream if I take one more step on an ankle that wants to just stop working. But you learn to quietly deal with it. The medication I receive via IV is the one over the years (and I've been on a lot of them in the course of 19 years) that has given me the greatest relief and the one that works best for me. It may not be the best one for somebody else, but it is for me. Consult your physician before starting any new medications, blah, blah, blah....end of commercial about that.
I'm at a weird point in rehab right now. My strength is gaining and my stamina is building, but I'm still not 100%. If you didn't know me and were a stranger looking into my world from the outside, you wouldn't know that. But, if you interacted with me on a daily basis and really knew me pre-stroke, you'd know I'm not back yet. So the point I'm at currently is one of frustration, but determination. I have to break through that barrier and finish this race.
The frustration comes because there are some things that I CAN do that I couldn't do just 2 weeks ago. So in my stroke-brain, I think "oh I can do that, so I must be able to do THIS also (whatever THIS is...) but that's not the case because the second task may be heavier or harder or require more complex thinking or whatever and I just cannot do it. That's a hard thing for me to say. That I cannot do something. You see, I'm a people pleaser and my standard line up to this point in my life is "of course I can do that, I'll get right on it and let you know when it's done". I think it's on a tape reel in my head that automatically comes on when I nod my head. Like a little robot. Nod the head, mouth opens and out comes the words. And it plays constantly in my mind as I'm working on tasks around my home in weird and demented ways. For instance, if I'm folding laundry in the living room, I suddenly look at the wall and think, "I can fold laundry, surely I can paint that wall." Two completely different tasks requiring two completely different sets of ability, but dadgummit, I really want this one wall in my living room painted. So I'm working hard on wearing the Warden down to let me try. It's just one little wall. Of course I can do it (so I tell myself).
Sadly, as all of the hard work and determination is paying off and progress is showing, we had to say goodbye to Rabbi yesterday at PT. It was the last day of his clinical rotation. He really was an awesome asset to my rehab team. He made me laugh, he worked really hard to keep me safe while still pushing me to my limits so that I could see exactly how far I could go and I can tell that in the future wherever he ends up he is going to be a great physical therapist. I'm a little sad to think of what PT will be like next week without him. But, Mama, LittleBit, Irish, DuckLady and Mr Miyagi are all still there to torture me appropriately so I'm confident that we will continue to make amazing progress...I think, I hope. We'll see next week I guess.
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