Although I try to hide it or don't talk about it very often, one of the main things that stroke2 has taken from me is my self-confidence and assurance. Pre-stroke I thought I could conquer the world and I wouldn't mind telling anybody and everybody, loudly. Now, I really have to stop and think about that whole conquering thing. I mean, the world is a really big place after all.
I am making tons of progress at physical and occupational therapy. But just like moving from walking with Charlie to Jack was enlightening and freeing, it was also very scary. Now that I'm starting to move from walking without Jack, it is absolutely terrifying. I have to remember a ton of stuff. Keep my head up, feet pointed straight, lift my left foot, move forward...these things that people normally just do, I have to actually remind myself of because otherwise I'll end up looking at my feet to make sure they are pointed straight and being lifted and I'd end up running into something I am sure. It'll all come back to me, they say, but it just takes time. And in the waiting, is when my self-confidence gets whittled away. The demons of doubt show up and whisper, "you can't even walk like you are supposed to, how are you going to be able to do anything else?"
With the doctor's approval, The Warden has allowed me to be the driver in the car a few times as long as he is in the passenger seat. After not having driven for 2 months and not liking the art of driving pre-stroke anyway (I only did it out of necessity), it was extremely nerve-wracking to get behind the wheel. Keep in mind that I grew up driving a lot with my grandfather. This is the man who once told my cousin and I as we were driving to a family reunion along the highway, "The speed limit is 60, you can go 45 if you want" and he sincerely meant it. I often reflect on these words as I'm driving as a reminder to slow down and pay attention to what is going on around you. If you are going 60, did you see the billboard that somebody paid good money and an artist worked hard to create for you? If you are going 60 did you see the one cow huddled in the pond while the others are over on the other side of the pasture and wonder why the one cow is alone? And furthermore, do cows have bullies and do they shun their own, like people do? These are the types of things that if you are not going 60, you can ponder. So getting behind the wheel again after the hiatus and having to face the driving like a bat out of hell drivers that seem to be on the roads nowadays was NOT a joyous occasion for me. Yes, it brought me a step closer to independence but what if I didn't react quick enough to something and caused a wreck? What if I went 40 instead of 45? The demons of self-doubt crawled right up there on the dash of the car and chattered the whole time. Then they had a cheerleader behind me as I was waiting to make a left turn who decided the demons needed to have a little music to help their cheer because the old man in the Dodge behind me laid on his car horn when I wasn't turning quick enough into the oncoming traffic for his liking. Sure, I might have been able to make it, but then again, I couldn't really tell. Doesn't hurt anything to wait an extra 45 seconds for a better opportunity, does it? The Demons and the Dodge driver seemed to think it would.
Trying to beat the demons of self-doubt, I think I've read every single positive affirmation quote on Pinterest lately. I have even created a few of my own and stuck them out on the ever revolving super highway of Facebook NewsFeeds. Let me just say it is so much easier to read something than it is to believe something. I can read the quote a million times, but deep down, God and I have the same conversation every time before I have to tackle something new or something new for the moment. Every time He assures me that He's right there and I'm trusting that He is because inside I am shaking like a leaf and scared to death. When you have a stroke, it not only robs you of your physical strength and ability but it robs you of mental strength and confidence. Fortunately, I have a great team of cheerleaders that have bigger mouths than the demons of doubt do, and can make a louder noise. I will get back to conquering the world. Just not today.
No comments:
Post a Comment