What is Boundary School?

Boundary school....is going.  That's all I can say.  I wish I could tell you that "I've got this" and that "it's a breeze" but I'd be telling you a fib.  So far this week in Boundary School I've had to really look long and hard at a lot of things that make my heart hurt and even admit that I'm going to have to let some of those things/people go.  They are no longer healthy or helpful or uplifting and they do not make me the least little bit happy to be around or think about or any of the positive things that I am allowing into my life from this point on.  Sound a bit selfish?  Yep it is.  And I'm not apologizing.  God sent me two very large messages a year apart to refocus and refine things and I guess I'm a slow learner because after the 2nd one I finally got the message.  I don't dare not take action now, because I definitely don't want to have to receive a third message from the big guy!

That's not to say that I'm not feeling the heartbreak of letting things go that have been a part of my life for a long time.  I do feel it and it hurts.  Badly. There is a void where I used to have those things.  But instead of focusing on that, I'm choosing to focus on what I can now see (peeling that onion) because I've eliminated the junk.  Same way with some of the people in my life.  I'm having to go through and really look at why I let some people into my life and into my life so deeply.  Were they just a means to an end?  Are they a true friendship?  Can I count on them to have my back when the going gets tough?  Some of them, the answer is definitely, without a doubt, yes.  There are some, that sadly, they must go.  They have been voted off of this island.  There will not be a reunion show for this crew to appear on at the end of the season.  It sucks, it hurts, but it is good.

This is Boundary School.  Is it to say that I am sitting around thinking about this stuff constantly?  NOPE.  I am living my life.  Going to appointments, running my local errands that I can run on my own, keeping my home in order and working on some art therapy each day.  But as items pop up, instead of pushing them away or thinking, "I don't have time for that right now, I'll get to it later and deal with that hot mess after while" I'm stopping and reflecting and going down my new itemized list of questions that I'm asking of everything in my life, almost as if I am interviewing the item, and I'm dealing with it right then.  I'm not sweeping stuff under the rug and just hoping it will go away.  I'm no longer trudging along doing the same stuff because "that's the way I've always done it".  There's a reason that God gave me the talents He gave me and that He left me here on this earth not once, but TWICE when I could have so easily been called home either time.  It's my job to discover that reason and use those talents.  That's my new job. 

Boundary School, Day 2....

Day 1 of Boundary School went ok.  Not great.  I still have a LOT to practice and learn. And a ton more strength and stamina to gain before I can do another day like that.  I have two words to sum up yesterday.  Grocery shopping.  But, God is good and He sent me EXACTLY what I needed to start Day 2.  He sent me this verse in an email:

1 Thessalonians 2:4  "On the contrary, we speak as those approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel.  We are not trying to please people but God, who tests our heart." 

It goes back to the question that Dr. S gave me to ask myself before I do anything....what are my intentions behind the action or decision?  We go rambling through life on auto-pilot without really understanding why we do things and yet, there are intentions, whether we understand them or not, behind everything.  To this point, 85% of my intentions, unbeknownst to me, were to do everything I could to be a people-pleaser, not a God pleaser, because if I pleased people then they would like me, I would have affirmation that I was okay, that I was good. 

Yesterday I had to say "no" to a customer that messaged me asking for a custom order.  I was polite (shocker, I know!) and explained that I was still closed until October Affair of the Heart and could not do what she was asking.  Her response was less than understanding, but knowing that I gave the answer based on my new boundaries, I did not fret about it.  Which is a huge deal for me, because the pre-stroke Susan would have worried about it all day and half the night as to whether or not I should message her back and apologize profusely and tell her I could "squeeze it in somewhere between appointments and therapy and such".  And today, I'm still okay with that decision. 

I do have to toot mine and The Warden's horn though for a minute.  If you recall, I mentioned a while back about finally getting our house in order and getting a good schedule of when to do things and that anybody was welcome to drop in anytime and we wouldn't have to do the mad-dash scramble to make at least one room presentable...well, last night he came into the room I was in and said, "we are having company over Thursday evening for dinner and to hang out".  I didn't panic, I just said, "ok" and I meant it.  NO heart racing.  NO brain going a million miles a minute trying to figure out how to get everything done that needed to be done to make the house presentable.  I knew that we were good.  Company is coming and we are ready.  I don't have to spend the next two days doing anything that I wasn't already planning on doing, dusting the living room and unloading the dishwasher today.  Vacuuming the living room and sweeping the kitchen tomorrow.  I honestly can say that I have never ever felt this much peace about company coming...ever.  I'm actually looking forward to visiting with them and having a nice evening.  THAT, I guarantee you has never happened this early before a visit. 

So, Day 2 of Boundary School is here....let's hope it continues to go well.  So far so good, but the day is still young. 

The First Day of Boundary School....

Today I am scared.  Scared of everything.  Because today is the beginning of the first week without the structure that I've known the past three months.  On Friday of last week, I finished physical therapy.  Mama and the gang took me as far as they could and now it is up to me to get stronger and keep growing stamina.  The journey is still a long one and that's what scares me.  Because I knew that as long as I had the structure of PT and OT that they wouldn't let me overdo it, or step outside of my boundaries.  They knew how to help me say, "no" to things and forced me to do just that.  This week, I'm on my own.  I have to start implementing the tools that they have given me.  Fortunately, Dr. S is still right here to help me but I only see Dr. S every week or two.  It's a gradual weaning of all the support system. 

I suppose the fear of overstepping the boundaries that I have set as I get stronger is what is going to keep me vigilant about constantly enforcing them.  It's a good thing to be vigilant.  Supposedly if I can survive the next 3 weeks (because they say it takes 21 days to create a habit) of living within my boundaries on my own, I will feel better about it.  We'll see.  I am praying and hoping and really trying not to freak out. 

On a side note, I don't like the white tips on my finger nails anymore but don't know how to get rid of them. 

Where do I go?

As my strength and stamina are having to be rebuilt slowly and my ability to set reasonable boundaries is having to be established, I am daily reminding myself of who I am and what I am and what I can and cannot do.  Today, especially though, I am feeling a great sense of pressure (which I'm sure is self-inflicted) and guilt still because I get the impression that I am letting down those around me.  I know that it shouldn't matter as long as I am trying my hardest to do what I need to do to get healthy, but people who I have in my corner and who smile and nod and say "of course, I understand things take longer and you are not what you used to be" are expressing disappointment and frustration.  Not through their words, but through their actions and lack of words.   This is something that I have to work through.  Part of me wants to yell, "DEAL WITH IT" at the top of my lungs in certain instances and yet, for some reason I sadly am having trouble cutting the cord to the people pleasing monster. 

Is it my fault that I had a stroke?  Nope.  But, because I did have a stroke, it therefore led to my stores not being stocked like they should/could be....and some customers not being happy and store owners not having their stores look the very best that they can in my area, but ya know what?  Unfortunately, I cannot control how they CHOOSE to react to these situations.  I am disappointed too because I don't like being out of commission.  I don't like things taking me two and three times the normal amount of time to complete.  Ever folded a basket of laundry?  Not a big basket.  Just enough in the basket to constitute underclothes for two people for a week.  Shouldn't take long, right?  It takes me a good half hour or more, at least.  And no, I am not multi-tasking.  I don't even have the television on when I am doing it.  But we have clean undies when I'm done.

I am OWNING that disappoinment and dislike and realizing that it is ok, though.  My prayer today is really asking God WHERE He wants me to be.  I have always allowed my customers to control which stores I am in and the amount of potential revenue to control my decisions on where I set up and where I didn't.  Those are no longer my guiding factors.   As I mentioned yesterday, that will come....IF I am where I am SUPPOSED to be. 

It's a hard question and a scary question because where I am is sort of like a security blanket.  I know the places well, I, for the most part, love the places.  What if God doesn't want me to stay there?  What if He chooses to take my blankie away?  I know He wouldn't do anything that would hurt me, but what if.....What if, what if, what if....I disappoint people when I have the answer?  What if I may not agree with the answer right now?  I'm also begging God to tell me that when he gives me the answers that He gives me the peace and the power to make the appropriate moves that He needs me to make.  In the meantime, it is taking all of my power to not yell "DEAL WITH IT"....and to focus that energy instead on the positive. 

Who Am I?

I joke often about being a candidate for that show on tv about hoarders, but in all honesty, especially after having a few months to clearly look at everything, I realize my business was on the verge of exactly that.  I thought I was being a smart businesswoman by purchasing in bulk because I could get a much lower price on things which in turn I could then turn around and pass along the savings to my customers.  However, I'm realizing now that that exact mentality is what caused so much of the stress and took so much of the enjoyment out of my work.  Often times when we would cut things, we'd cut 20 or so at a time.  We only needed maybe 10, but since we'd have excess wood or not sure when we'd get a chance to cut this item again, the thought was, "might as well use it since we are already cutting".  Besides, the extra could be ready for next time and I could go ahead and paint and decorate whatever it was and be ready for the next time, ahead of time.  Which sounds like a brilliant plan....if only it truly worked like that.  In reality, we have "extra" of lots of things sitting in the garage waiting to be painted and decorated because as soon as the original 10 were dealt with, I was already busy hopping to the next "fire" or customer project or whatever other item I had agreed to complete and so those extras were assigned a spot on a shelf in the dusty garage and I'd get to them later, an infamous time that never seems to show up on my calendar. 

Then, at any given time, when I would come home (I enter through our garage), I'd be slapped in the face with all of the EXTRAs that I had not dealt with yet.  Then, during dinner one evening, any random evening, Tommy and I would talk about the grand plan to get the garage organized and the Extras dealt with so we knew what we truly had out there (because, again in reality, I don't really know what all is out there...just a lot of stuff that I use in my business).  And I would get excited about that upcoming weekend when that would happen and then it wouldn't happen because I would get busy jumping through another set of hoops on another project and more stuff would end up piled in on top of the Extras. 

The past few days, I have been facing the Onion that is our garage.  Each day, I go out there and just stand at the doorway and look and then focus on one little section, section peeling away a box or two or a shelf or two at a time.  Then, I set my timer on my phone for 15 minutes, any more than that and I'm overwhelmed and doomed.  Armed with my heart monitor ticking away to let me know when I need to slow down, I look and see what it is that is in that little section that I am truly going to keep and immediately make a decision on the rest.  I'm not letting it sit there any longer for me to contemplate and guilt myself into keeping or working on something that is not going to move me forward.  Because one other thing that I'm realizing is that just because people ask, I don't have to say, "yes" and it's ok.  A dear friend reminded me yesterday that it is not my concern how others CHOOSE to accept that response.  It is only my duty to myself and to the stability of my household to decide when to employ it.  I have a lot of EXTRAs from projects piled up that I should have said, "no" to eons ago. 

I also didn't use the word "no" because I didn't know my true identity for so long.  I know that sounds weird because yes I knew my name, social security number, birthday and all of that stuff, but because I wrapped WHO I was around WHAT I did for a living, and what I did for a living was please people and customers.  I did that because I felt like I had to in order to make an income.  Keep all of the plates spinning and people will be happy and happy people equal happy customers. 

That is NOT who I am.  I am a child of God.  And that should be enough.  Every day I need to be answering "yes" to whatever it is that HE is asking of me for that day, or using the gifts as an artist that He is begging me to use.  Gifts I haven't used in so long because I've been busy pleasing others.  Gifts that barely even edge on similar to what I've been creating for so long.  And I've been battling with God about this for 2 months now.  The usual content of our battles include a conversation similar to this, "But what if they (the customers) don't like what I am creating?"  They will.  I am preparing you for a new batch.  A group of people with open eyes and hearts to hear the story in your art.  "I don't know.  I have some folks that come back year after year looking for the same stuff.  I HAVE to create that so they won't be disappointed."  Really?  I'm leaving the decision to you.  You decide. 

It's a daily decision.  One that I have put off for too long.  Some people may have to be disappointed.  It's up to them to CHOOSE how to accept the changes.   I, personally, am so excited to travel this new road.  It's freeing and exactly what I have wanted to do for so long in my work that I get giddy and giggly thinking about it.  It's also intimidating and challenging and scary.  But I am learning to hold on to my identity.  It's not to say that I won't create the special projects that people ask of me.  But I will examine them closely to see if they are in line with what I SHOULD be doing and not just jump on the project because I see income.  Income will come.  God will provide.  He always does.  He always has. 

Now it's up to me to deal with the Extras and not take any extra Extras on.  Our garage overfloweth (and not in a good way). 

Good-bye Mr. Miyagi

My trip down Rehab Road with Mr. Miyagi has ended.  It was a bittersweet ending.  I don't think he'll miss me, but I will miss him and the routine and the schedule.  Remember on my first visit when my grip strength was 10 pounds on my left side while my right side was almost 70 pounds?  On my last visit with him, my left side got up to 50.5 pounds when I squeezed the handle.  Still not perfect but within the "acceptable" range (acceptable for who I don't know, but he said it was so I'll believe him.  After all, I didn't stay at a Holiday Inn last night, so what do I know?)   I have some work to do at the YMCA on my own to increase the grip strength more, but it is a definite improvement.  Of course I still can't properly apply enough pressure all around on a rubber stamp and on one of my creations to get a clean copy on the first try, but that just means I'll have to practice more. 

The first day of Occupational Therapy I could hardly lift a 2 pound weight to do simple bicep curls.  And then, I could only do maybe 10 of them at a time with a long break between sets.  The last day of OT, I was up to a 6 pound weight (don't laugh, I know it isn't a lot, but for me it was!) and doing curls for a full minute.  Again, still a ton of room for improvement but it gives me hope, and a goal. 

I absolutely hated the Wax on/Wax Off exercises that Mr. Miyagi made me do.  I could not imagine doing them for more than the 2 minutes at a time that I was forced to endure in the beginning.  Last day, I went 15 minutes!  Now, before most of you say, okay, no big deal.  Try standing and holding your arms up for 15 minutes straight at shoulder level.  It's harder than it sounds.  I'll wait, go try it for 1 minute.  Get your kitchen timer out and try it.  Your shoulders get a harder workout than you realize by this simple exercise.  I wont even ask that you hold anything in your hand when you do it.  Just hold them up.  Ready, Set, Go! 

Okay, now that everybody is rubbing their shoulders and upper arms, let me say that the folks that work at Jim Thorpe are, in my opinion, Miracle Workers.  Mr. Miyagi was the first of them that I met and from that first day I have been dazzled by how they make simple tasks into exercise so that you don't even realize you are exercising, while at the same time building your body up. 

My first trip to the YMCA with The Warden is this coming weekend and I'm a little afraid to see how that goes.  This is  where I'll have to definitely employ some boundaries and not try to keep up with the person next to me, but just go at my own pace to keep increasing my strength and endurance.  But for now, I have to hustle off to PT because Mama isn't done with me yet. 

Just breathe...

Do you ever have those days when everything just seems to zap the life right out of you?  Today has been that kind of day for me.  Actually the past 2 or 3 days have been.  I don't adjust well to change.  I like my schedule and my life to be very stable and settled and just the way I like it.  I don't like conflict, whether it be in scheduling, ideas, lifestyle or anything else.  Both change and conflict drive me absolutely batty.  This is why I have to have boundaries.  But sometimes the things that I need boundaries from is myself. 

For years, and even after Stroke1, I was so busy flying by the seat of my pants trying to appease everybody that I rarely used the word "no" or words like, "that's not my issue" (or applied the sentiment even if I didn't use those exact words).  I would constantly take on any issue that anybody around me was having and try to "fix" it for them so that everybody could live happily ever after.  If a customer didn't like a particular color or way I did something, "no big deal!  I can customize" even if I didn't want to, I did it. Because that would make everybody happy and then we could all just move along.  If a friend or family member was having a complete meltdown because of their failure to plan or their lack of proper expectations for themselves, I'd try to coax them back to believing all was well and that everything would be ok and coach them on how to get there. 

I know that my life now, once I learn to live with all of the changes, will be so much better.  More peaceful.  Less jumpy and panicky and tiring.  But honestly, right now, I just want to float through this next section of rehab and get on with living.  Unfortunately, it's not that easy.  I have to keep meeting with the medical team to keep adjusting physical and mental expectations and just work through building the boundaries.  And all of this change scares the ever living hell out of me because I don't know what the finished product is going to look like. This is not one of my creations that I can sketch out and then create to perfection.  I just have to trust that God is stepping in and controlling it all currently and that every minute of every day He is holding in His hand the precise direction of how things are going.